


The Collective Works of the Sanspants Radio Sims 4 Stream

by katieyouoldfool (luckybottlecap)



Category: Sanspants Radio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-03-17 18:49:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18970966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckybottlecap/pseuds/katieyouoldfool
Summary: Dramatized retellings of events from the weekly 'Zoe Sims In' streams on the Sanspants Radio twitch channel.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Especially in these first few chapters as I catch up, events in the story may not match beat-for-beat with what happened in past streams. Also, thank you so insanely much to Zoe and Jackson and everyone in the twitch chats who's been so kind and supportive of the dumb shit that I've written live. I wouldn't be doing this if you hadn't made fanfiction so much fun for me again.

### Chapter 1: Introductions

This is not what Cass signed up for when she put her name on that lease. Zoe had asked her to move in after Ralph had suddenly up and left about a month ago, and of course she said yes. You can’t just let your friend live alone in a big, empty house she shared with her ex. At the time, it seemed like a win-win: Zoe gets someone to be there for her, and Cass finally has enough space for all the gym equipment that was, up until now, clogging up her cramped 2 bedroom apartment. 

But as she stared at the massive pit, not 30 feet from her new front door, she felt every ounce of optimism leave her massive, yet tightly toned body. What the hell happened? Like sure, it had been a bit since the last time she visited, but not long enough to turn the perfectly normal house next door into this. The shear size of the hole left in the ground and the fact that there seemed to be some kind of structure still sticking out of the mud made Cass think it must have been a sinkhole. But the sides were smooth and straight like they had been precisely excavated. 

Before Cass could give the matter any more thought, the front door opened and Zoe was standing there; her cat, Stringer Bell swaddled in one arm and a mildly confused look on her face. “Plan on knocking anytime, Cass? Or were you just gonna stand there like a creepy fuck in front of the door ‘til I came and got you?”

Now it was Cass’s turn to be confused. Could Zoe see what she’s was seeing? She looked back and motioned over toward the pit, “Is… Ethan okay?” Zoe’s neighbor Ethan lived in what used to be the house next door. Cass had hung out with Ethan several times at Zoe and Ralph’s famous movie nights and he seemed nice enough. If that’s what his house looked like, she hated to think how he must be doing. 

Zoe looked over now too, a chuckle in her voice as she spoke, “Oh Ethan’s fine. Probably home right now if you wanna visit. It looks bad, but the sinkhole or whatever the fuck unearthed some old-timey bunker under the house that he and Jack seem to be getting by just fine in while they collect the insurance money. Probably going to turn it into some fuckin repurposed eco-home like-”

“Jack?” interrupted Cass. She was trying to speed up the conversation so they could get out of the doorway and start unpacking, but first, she needed to know everything about her new neighbors in the pit.

Zoe, both slightly annoyed and impressed with Cass for catching her before a rant, took a moment to choose her words. “Yeah, Jackson. Ethan’s new… guest,” she continued, “Seen him popping in and out since the house fell, but I’ve stopped keeping track of who’s who to that boy weeks ago.” Her gaze fell and her voice trailed off. “It happened pretty much the same time Ralph left and I got too much of my own shit going on to dig up any dirt on his life.” 

Cass knew it was officially time to end this conversation. Her job while she was living here was to keep Zoe feeling good and, as much as possible, not pick at healing wounds. But as she took one last look at the pit before stepping inside, she heard footsteps trotting up the makeshift stairs. Despite her best intentions, she couldn’t help her curiosity. A mischievous smile crossed Cass’s face, she grabbed her friend by the arm. “Come on, look at it! The dirt’s practically dug itself up, and I want to meet my new neighbors.” With that, she yanked Zoe forcefully out past the threshold, causing a very perturbed Stringer Bell to leap out of his mother’s grasp and grumpily slink back into the living room. 

\----------

Ethan had heard the moving truck come up the street. He knew it wouldn’t be long before Zoe would leave, too. Ralph just walked out, leaving his stuff behind and it was a big house to maintain by herself. Also, to be honest, if it was her house that had been swallowed up by a sinkhole, he certainly wouldn’t want to keep living next door, no matter how safe the inspectors said it was. Hell, his house was supposedly safe! ‘Unexplainable freak accident’ they said. Sounded a lot like ‘we fucked up but can’t afford a lawsuit’ to him. Still, if it hadn’t been for that ‘freak accident’, he’d never have met Jackson. So fair’s fair, he thought.

He eventually made it up the muddy steps, ready to say goodbye to his friend and neighbor. What he saw instead was the most absolutely ripped woman he ever seen in his life running straight for him, Zoe dangling behind like a flag in the wind. “Cass?” He said, as ready to greet her as he was to duck and roll out of her path. “Ethan!” Cass responded before coming to a sliding stop that left treads in the grass. 

“Uh, hi,” he laughed uncomfortably, “What’s goin’ on?”. 

Cass leaned over and propped her arm up on Zoe, who was currently preoccupied with returning sensation to her hand and swearing under her breath. “Oh, uh, nothing much..” she said, failing to act natural. “What’s goin’ on with you?”

It was the obvious forced casualness of a person bursting with questions they don’t know how to ask. Well, until Cass figured it out, he’d play along with the pleasantries. “Was coming over to see if you guys needed help moving Zoe’s stuff out.” 

Cass, while appearing to be listening, was looking straight past Ethan into the pit. Ethan laughed again- genuinely this time- and turned around towards where his house used to stand. “Made some renovations. It’s subtle, I know.”

Cass mumbled a response, her voice itself sounding out of focus “Oh Zoe’s not moving out, I’m moving in.” Then, as if snapping out of a daze, looked right at Ethan and asked “So who’s Jackson??” Zoe shoved off Cass’s arm threw her a disbelieving look. If there was any way to make it sound more like they had been gossiping about him, Zoe couldn’t think of it. 

Ethan paused. A dozen thoughts passed through his mind. It was great news that Zoe would be staying, and Cass seemed like a cool person to get to know better, but she just snuck in a question that he was not at all prepared for. His house is now a massive hole in the ground and she’s asking about Jackson? More to the point, he supposed, what did she mean? Their relationship? Oof, not something Ethan wanted to unpack right now. How they met? Surely they’d never believe h-

“I am the master of the pit, as well as Ethan’s friend and casual lover,” said a thick, resonant voice from off to the side. Jackson was hanging from the edge of the pit as if on the side of a swimming pool; held up by his arms, which were loosely folded out in front of him, and bearded chin resting where they cross, as his torso and lower body dangle against the dirt wall. 

Zoe and Cass both gasped and rushed over to help Jackson out of the pit, but in the few paces it took to get to him, he had gracefully pulled himself up onto the flat ground. “I told you to stop doing that,” Ethan said, blushing deeply.

Jackson made his way over to Ethan, “And I told you” he booped Ethan’s nose, leaving a small, grass-green smudge, “it's perfectly safe.”

There was a long, silent pause before Zoe and Cass burst out laughing hysterically. What else can you do when faced with a situation so incredibly absurd? They had never seen anyone speak to Ethan like that. He wasn’t a super serious guy by any means, but he had the kind of dry, non-performative humor that makes people just too endeared to really mess with him. And if they did, he could give as good as he got. Now here he was, beet-red and at a complete loss for words. All because of this complete anomaly of a man who, as far as they knew, literally sprung out of a hole in the ground. What can you do but laugh? 

Ethan, on the other hand, did not find this situation particularly funny. “That’s not what I’m talking about,” he grumbles at Jackson, who is looking very pleased with himself.

Jackson always teased him like this. From the moment they had gotten comfortable living together, both of them were very aware that they were, well let’s say ‘interested’ in each other. Not that that meant terribly much on Jackson’s end, he was ‘interested’ in just about every man that passed his sight. That was the problem.

To be clear, Ethan wouldn’t judge anybody for stuff like that. He had had no less than four separate roommates over the years that would have worn the name ‘cum dumpster’ like a badge of honor, and all but one (it’s a long story) would have said he was the best wingman they knew. It’s just that, you know, he had never been ‘interested’ in any of them before.

So nothing would ever happen between them, Ethan had made that decision early on. People should go enjoy themselves how they liked, sure. But he didn’t want them to be a notch on each other's belt. As fascinated with Jackson as he might be, and as much as Jack might tempt and tease, they’re better off living separate love lives. Jackson had been told this, of course. They'd had this talk a thousand times. But that just changed the goal, not the game. If his theatricality and flirtation won him a good fuck, great. But if he can turn the witty, charming Ethan into a flustered mess with a few choice words and the brush of his hand? Well, he can have some fun with that, too.

Ethan quickly rubbed his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie before stepping over to stand in between Jackson and his still-cackling friends. “It was a joke, you guys.” The laughing finally began to die off into suppressed giggles as he spoke up. “We just live together, he was joking.”

“Aw, that’s kind of a shame,” Said Cass, feeling a bit, but not too bad about laughing at Ethan’s embarrassment. 

“Yeah what’s the real story, then?” Said Zoe, continuing to laugh and not feeling bad about it at all.

Ethan really was at a loss of how to answer that. There was no way they’d believe him. Jackson, however, had no such concerns and, with a slight tease in his voice, answered. “The real story is that he dropped a house on me.”

Zoe and Cass just stared at him blankly. Was he joking again? Should they laugh? Did they miss something? Or was their neighbor now living with a complete lunatic?

For a moment forgetting appearances, Ethan took the bait. “Oh come on, Jack. We’ve had this argument before. I did not _drop_ my house on you.”

“Well how else did your house end up clanging against my ceiling at 2am, then?” 

“There was a sinkhole! It fell!” Ethan responded

“Leaving perfectly flat walls for me to climb on? That’s not how sinkholes work, you’re talking nonsense!” Jackson was desperately trying to keep a straight face now and having absolutely the best time.

Ethan was getting genuinely angry now, both at Jackson for riling him up, and himself for falling for it. “You are the one who’s been living in a bunker under my house for years and you’re talking to me like I’m the crazy one?”

Zoe was done watching two idiots bicker like an old married couple, who were also from the surface of fucking Mars. “Who are you, the fucking wicked witch of the east? And you, what do you mean he’s been here for years, what the fuck is going on?” She had interrupted the volley and, looking to Ethan to give her an answer, Jackson gave up the point. 

Ethan, knowing this was the one chance when they might understand, collected himself. “Let’s all have a sit down at your place and I’ll explain”

And explain he did. All of them in the hot tub, as Jackson demanded, Ethan told them everything he thought they should know. He told them about the ‘sinkhole’, about how it felt more like ground itself was being grabbed and pulled down. He told them about meeting Jackson, and finding the bunker that he and his dog, Pure Muscle had been living in under his house. He even told them how, after some early wariness and several arbitration meetings to settle a land rights dispute, the two of them had decided to live there together.

Neither Cass nor Zoe could say they believed, or really understood, half of what they were being told. The more that Ethan explained them, the less sense it made. Still, what were they really going to do? It wasn’t like they were going to abandon their house because their neighbor was going through a weird time in his life. But they were sure to always keep the doors locked.  


\----------

_The mysterious being looked on through dimensions at the harmony that had somehow survived everything he had thrown at it. Zoe and Ethan had not only stayed despite what he had taken from them, they were now actively standing between him and his prize. If Jackson is to be his bride, he’s going to have to enter the field himself. With a resolved “Wah”, he went to make his plan._


	2. Open Communication is for Nerds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tension between the bois in the pit reaches a breaking point, and everyone has to suffer with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I skipped last week! I initially had some really fun ideas for a second chapter but tbh long-form writing is hard, and my 7000 word first draft featuring an extended choose-your-own-adventure portion was as ambitious as it was unreadable. So I decided to edit it way down and publish it as something a bit more straight forward and exposition-y so I could move on and find other fun parts of the story. Hope you guys still like it and I will be making it up for lost time by bringing you not one, but two hot fresh new chapters by this time next week!

Zoe was just about done with her fucking neighbors. Although based off of the loud arguments their whole block had no choice but to listen in on, they were apparently her very much not-fucking neighbors. 

It had been a little over two weeks since Cass had moved in and Ethan’s full story about Jackson and the pit had come to light. Since that day, relieved of any need for secrecy or shame (or common decency, Zoe thought), Ethan and Jack now felt fully able to air whatever wild dirty laundry they had out for all to see. 

Today had been particularly bad. It was barely noon and the two had found something to fight about. Apparently the fact that Jackson refuses to wear pants indoors, as well as the lovely insight that actually, Ethan is just uptight because Jackson has had his ‘bussy smashed’ on eight separate occasions since the last time he had gotten any, could only be communicated outside and loudly. 

Things went suddenly quiet. A moment later, Zoe heard an insistent knock on the door and Cass getting up from the couch downstairs to answer it. 

Cass recognised Ethan’s silhouette through the curtained window and opened the door brusquely. After a putting up with their noise for so long, she too was ready to rip her neighbors a powerful new one. 

“Do you have any idea-” she halted the second she saw him in full. To anyone less of an absolute beefcake than Cass, Ethan would have probably been an intimidating presence; the tension and posture of someone looking for a fight, but the distant expression of someone that’d just lost one. It would seem that for the moment, Cass’s still very justified frustrations would have to wait. Breathing in, she searched for the right thing to say. Not finding it, she settled on “Um… everything good?”

Hearing the genuine concern in Cass’s voice, Ethan deflated, his shoulders dropping. “Could I maybe come inside for a bit?” He responded, not meeting her eyes. Cass looked back into the house, hoping that Zoe had magically teleported downstairs to remind her that, until two minutes ago, Ethan was being a loud inconsiderate dick nugget and no, he definitely couldn’t ‘come inside for a bit’. Alas, no such Zoe appeared and Cass wordlessly stepped aside to let her now very pitiful-looking neighbor into their living room. 

Ethan took the invitation, his insecurity miraculously vanishing. He breezed in and kicked off his shoes to land where they may. “What was I _thinking_ moving in with him, Cass?” He dropped himself onto the couch in a heap for emphasis. 

“Yeah he seems shit, but don’t expect too much sympathy from us.” Zoe called out as she came down the stairs. She had only just woken up after all, and would probably still be asleep if it weren’t for this garbage. 

Either out of defensiveness, or because he knew he was now playing to a tougher audience, Ethan regained some of his sheepish demeanor. “I get it, it's my own fault. I just thought Jack and I could- I don’t know.” Cass gave him a sympathetic glance then turned to Zoe, looking every bit like a kid who had just brought home a mangy stray. Zoe closed her eyes and exhaled. She had known Ethan for years and he was always there the few times that her and Ralph fought. Still, she sure as hell wasn’t going to deal with this pity-party brat routine he had shown up with. She walked over to where he was on the couch and smacked him solidly on his forearm. 

Ethan dramatically knocked himself over on the couch and clutched his arm. “Ow! What the hell, Zoe!?”

“No one’s mad at you for being a sappy idiot, dumbass!” Zoe replied, moving so that she was standing authoritatively over him. Her stern posturing, however, was somewhat lessened by the giggles she had caught seeing Ethan in such a huff. “We just get enough of your friends-with-no-benefits drama from you motherfuckers shouting it at each other all the time!”

“Oh.” Was all Ethan could think of as a response. He had just been very accurately called out and he knew it. Furthermore, his plans of finding a sympathetic ear to vent to have now been effectively canceled. “Sorry?” He added, hoping that would help at all.

“Nah, not good enough. Get up.” Ordered Cass, neither pity nor humor in her voice. Ethan was on his feet in an instant. Both him and Zoe were taken aback; this wasn’t like Cass at all. _Oh god she’s gonna throw me out._ Ethan thought. _Like literally throw me. She’s going to hurl me a thousand feet and this is how I die._

Cass walked right up to Ethan and looked him square in the eye, her face deadpan. She grabbed his elbow and Ethan prayed that maybe she’d decided to just drag him out the front door like an old rug instead. What he wasn’t prepared for was another, immensely more powerful smack on his arm. Cass had dealt him a savage blow directly where Zoe had just hit. The force launched him back onto the couch, nearly knocking it backwards. After a beat, the two girls exploded into breathless, cackling laughter. Ethan gave a single nervous laugh, himself. Too relieved at the break in tension and in too much pain to feel truly embarrassed. 

“Alright, we’re good now.” Cass announced proudly as she strode off to get Ethan an ice pack. She knew from experience that he’d have a nasty bruise and maybe a week of soreness on that arm, and felt that was just about what he’d deserved. Zoe needed another moment to gather herself, finally able to muster up some genuine pity for this boy. Jackson must really have done a number on him if he become an easy enough target for _Cass_ to fuck with. The Ethan she’d known two months ago would never have shown up on her doorstep unannounced, demanding company for misery, all without so much as a ‘hey, what’s up with you?’. She plopped down on the couch next to where Ethan had landed. 

“Ethan. If things are really that bad, why don’t you stay with us for a couple days?” 

Cass had come back into the room and was looking at Zoe slightly perplexed - not that she objected to inviting Ethan to stay - In fact, she was about to pull Zoe aside to propose doing just that. Pleasantly surprised, she walked over and handed Ethan the ice pack with a kind smile. 

Not privy to the roller coaster of internal logic that had just occurred and still reeling from getting socked in the damn arm, this felt like some wild whiplash to Ethan. He looked back and forth between Zoe and Cass and took the ice pack cautiously. The throbbing in his arm immediately started to numb away. With that splinter out of his mind, he was finally able to actually process what had just happened. It suddenly dawned on him: they fucking got him. 

“I just got got, huh.” He said to no one in particular.

“Hard.” Zoe replied as cass nodded, both of them looking incredibly smug.  
  
And of course he did, Ethan thought. When you’re so down that all you can think about is yourself and your own feelings, the idea that anyone can do anything except also obsess over you and your feelings doesn’t even enter your head. It leaves you wide open to fuckery. 

Cass continued, “We were serious about you staying here for a bit, though.”

Ethan looked over to her. “If you’re both sure, yeah I’d really appreciate that,” he responded.

“Double sure. That honry pit-mate of your is fucking crazy,” said Zoe, putting her feet up on the coffee table.” And if this keeps you two from screaming at each other all the time, it’s as much a favor to us as it is to you.”

Ethan cringed remembering all of the things him and Jack fought about. Things that he wouldn’t have told his closest friends in confidence, but he had somehow allowed to be shouted into the open. That’ll be fun to dwell on that later, he thought. But for right now, maybe a change of subject.

“Well, at least let me earn my keep and order us some lunch”  
\--------- 

Jackson knew he was in trouble when he woke up the next morning and Ethan still hadn’t come home. 

He knew that the last couple weeks had been tense, and he knew it was kinda his fault, and he knew that he was doing it a little bit on purpose. He’d just been so frustrated lately. He talked a big slutty game but to be honest, he was a little heartbroken himself. Not about Ethan, of course. No, as fun to play with as he was, that sweet piece of ass plummeted from the top of Jackson’s mind the moment he met... 

_him_. 

Didn’t even know is name, just _him_ (or Sir, as he liked to be called in his presence). Jackson had never met anyone like _him_. He was a beautiful rotund italian entrepreneur who spoke to Jackson like he’d been watching over him for years, like he knew everything. And he fucked and flatulated like nothing Jackson could have ever imagined.

It was a week-long trist turned whirlwind romance. Then, the day after he had formally introduced himself to those neighbors, _he_ had summoned Jackson to their usual motel room. After they had made beautiful love, _he_ said that there were things he needed to do and he would be travelling back to his own plane (Jackson assumed he meant *on* his own plane, as in private jet, but knew better than to correct him). When Jackson asked when they would be able to see eachother again, the mysterious mustachioed lover pulled him close and promised that, if Jackson kept himself true and chaste while they were apart, one day _he_ would show up at his door and stay forever. “My beautiful bride”, _he_ ’d called him, before giving one last kiss, and wahddling out into the night. 

But that was a lifetime ago. Well, really more like a couple weeks ago, but that’s beside the point. Jackson had heard nothing from _him_ since that evening. He was going mad with lust and loss and not really sure which was worse. He had kept up his side of the promise. He hadn’t so much as flirted with another man, which posed a real challenge considering his dynamic with Ethan. Within days of sitting at home waiting - no Sir, no sex, and not even the fun of suggestive banter - Jackson was losing it. The best way he found to vent his frustrations was to argue. The game of riling Ethan up into a blushing mess turned into a need to lure him into confrontation in the hope of some kind of emotional catharsis. 

And Ethan had finally had enough, it would seem. Jackson walked around his empty home in the empty pit. What was he doing? Screwing up his perfectly good life of chaos and dicks, for what? To follow the vague orders of some nameless Daddy he may or may not ever see again? This is bullshit. _He_ ’s not omnipotent and _he_ can’t stop Jackson from doing anything. Jackson got up and put on a rare set of fresh clean clothes. He set out Pure Muscle’s usual breakfast of two eggs over-easy, two pieces of bacon, two beyond-meat sausage patties, hash browns, a cup of assorted melons, two hotcakes, and toast with boysenberry jam, then started up the stairs leading out of the pit. He tried to call Ethan, but whether he was still asleep or just didn’t want to talk to him, there was no answer. Better to write my feelings out anyways, Jack thought, and began drafting a heartfelt text

_hey sweet cheeks ;) we can admit we’ve both been a lot recently, right? idk where youve run off to, but ive figured out the problem. ive been waiting around the house for the luv my life to come dick me down and when it wasnt happening, i went a little crazy haha. srry i shouldve told u (not that u wouldve been able to do anything about it lmao) but just kno im over it and im off to get fucked by a real man. dk what time ill be back, u can come home whenever tho. i promise alls forgiven. cant even remember what we were fitting abt <3 _

He hit send. Yes, clear, direct communication. This will finally straighten things out. Oh wait he should probably clarify:

_*fighting lol_

Perfect.

Almost immediately, Ethan responded

_I don't know what the hell this means, but for the love of god yes please find somebody else_  
...  
_also I'm staying indefinitely in with Zoe and Cass. Lose my number, you absolute lunatic._

Trying to read Ethan's response, Jackson walked right into, well, somebody else. The man recovered quickly, straightening his glasses and securing the beanie back over his head of shimmering, sandy-blonde hair. "Rude." he murmured after one last check that everything was back in place. 

Jackson was watching mesmerized, not realizing his phone and the unread second half of Ethan's message, was smashed face down on the sidewalk. "Oh, my apologies! Jackson, by the way. I live there!" he said, flipping his hair toward the pit and extending a hand. 

The other man took it, looking curious. "I'm Adam"


End file.
